My name is Crystal Tardiff.  And there's always been this aliveness within me, waiting to be released into my life.  Like an inner world - my inner reality of emotion, imagery, sensation, feeling, intuition and deep connection, deeply wanted to be born and celebrated in this world.

 

As a child, I was deeply connected to this inner world but as I emerged into adolescence, as we all do, we are forced into leaving the connection to this world behind.  It was my connection to my emotional and spiritual selves.   They were left behind and ignored for the buidling of my mind and physical body.  That is or at least was the reality of our patriarchal society.  As a result of this imbalance between my outer and inner selves, a life with addiction and eating disorders emerged.  The manifestations of such an imbalance.

 

Upon leaving to university, I found a freedom that allowed me to explore these depths of me that were waiting to be found once again.   With no easy path or even direction, I had to dive into the unchartered territory within and relearn what was within me.  Not only did I have to relearn what was in there, I had to learn how to experience that in my everyday life and in my everyday world. 

 

And so, I have had to walk many unchartered paths, swim many unknown rivers and clear a pathway that allowed my heart, my emotions and my soul to be as welcomed, celebrated and experienced just as my mind.  It has not been an easy journey to say the least, but it has been one with gifts, seeds, rewards and fulfillment beyond what I can explain.  My heart is full and alas, I have inner peace.  No more need for addiction or eating disorders when there is internal peace and fulfillment.

 

I often refer to myself as a woman of the water that was forced to live on the land.  Today I continue to build and commit to balancing my life between the water and the land.  It's not easy to balance the needs of my heart and soul, with the needs and demands of everyday life.  It is a sacred task in its own way, one that requires constant commitment, awareness and balancing.  This feels like my life work, trying to maintain this balance and riding the wave between the water and the land.

 

As women, we are naturally connected to the water, a female element, the element of emotions.  But we have been brought up to dry out the water and build security on the land.  As a result, I used to feel empty, hollow, dry and lifeless, as I know many others feel.  My life is committed to returning to the water, to wetting the soil of my life and body and allowing life to continue to flow through my veigns on a regular basis.  In many ways, it feels like living in a manner that is counter culutral, that is against the grain.  There are many days when I feel like I'm walking towards the moon when everyone else is walking in the direction of the sun.

 

I have learned to be okay with that, and celebrate this truth and this path.  I am a woman of the water, that is who I am and that is who I will be.  It is at times my greatest challenge and yet it is my greatest strength and joy in life.  My life is my story, my learning and my teacher.  It has iginited an aliveness, a wildness and an opening within me that no other teacher has.